Simmons: AK47 Signing "I think they dangled him upside down from a helicopter."

Updated: August 1, 2013

Bill Simmons did his annual NBA Summer Movement review and he handed out Midnight Run quotes as awards for July’s winners and losers in the league we call The Association.Midnight Run movie pic

His “Midnight Run” take on this NBA offseason is funny, weird, on-point, lost and somewhat comical in some instances but that is why people read his stuff.

His take on the Brooklyn Nets offseason is stereotypical when he speaks of Andrei Kirilenko and spot on when speaking of Deron Williams so give it a read.

[quote_simple] GRANTLAND

I wanted to tell you two things. No. 1 is that you’re gonna die tonight. No. 2 is that I’m gonna go home, have a nice hot meal, I’m gonna find your wife, and I’m gonna kill her, too.”

Andrei Kirilenko pic with ballThe scariest part of the movie (Serrano vowing to kill the Duke) goes to the scariest moment of the offseason: Andrei Kirilenko opting out of $10.2 million guaranteed for one more Minnesota season so he could sign with Brooklyn for $6.2 million over two years.

Some NBA peeps are convinced that AK47 either (a) got paid under the table by Russian comrade Mikhail Prokhorov, (b) got charmed by the overwhelmingly charming Irina Pavlova into signing a bad deal, (c) secretly hired the agent Monta Ellis fired, or (d) made the decision while being dangled upside down from a Moscow helicopter at 10,000 feet.

But here’s something to remember: Kirilenko has made more than $110 million playing professional basketball already, including those two years he spent playing overseas. He’s the most famous Russian basketball player ever. Wouldn’t it make sense that he’d join forces with the most famous Russian basketball owner ever? Isn’t that good for Kirilenko’s Russian brand, especially if they make the Finals? (Thinking.) You’re right, I think they dangled him upside down from a helicopter.

Sidney, sit down, relax, have a sandwich, drink a glass of milk, do some f—ing thing, will ya?

To Deron Williams … I mean … you can’t set him up better than this. A handpicked coach (Jason Kidd), two Hall of Famers (Pierce and Garnett), the Deron Williams upset after Game 7 loss to Bullsleague’s best offensive center (Brook Lopez), a top-five 2-guard (Joe Johnson), a legitimately good bench (Kirilenko, Andray Blatche, Shaun Livingston, Reggie Evans and Jason Terry) and an owner who’s brazenly ignoring the luxury tax to the tune of $80 million–plus.

Also, KG and Pierce will be significantly better off on the Tim Duncan Minutes Plan (27-28 a night), and don’t sleep on Pierce in a contract year and Eff You Mode. That’s quite a luxury car to drive.

Here’s my question: Do you feel good about handing the keys to Deron Williams after he lost a Game 7 at home to a one-legged Joakim Noah and Derrick Rose and Luol Deng in matching suits? Because I certainly don’t.[/quote_simple]